i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
