i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
