If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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