tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Your penis caused this!
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