I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
