The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize