I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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