the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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