kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
i think i just lost a toe
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