im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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