Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
