You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
