Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
