i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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