Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
