i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
