Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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