So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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