my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
