I should be sponsored by Trojan
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
