Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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