i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
