Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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