Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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