So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
