If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
