So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
