He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
