My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
