oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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