Already got asked if we're dating
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
