everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
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