I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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