her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
