Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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