____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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