Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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