I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
