every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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