This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
