you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
