Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
