it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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