I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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