I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
