bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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