Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
