Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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