Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
