He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
