we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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