Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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