My balls are so social today.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
