Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
