Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Randomize
