i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I need moral support for this bender
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
