??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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