Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
