I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
