apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
